Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
