I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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