like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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