I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I want to make a zoo with you.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize