A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
