Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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