Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize