You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
