She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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