Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
