Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
