the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
