Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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