why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
