saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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