Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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