i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
