Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Drake has all the answers
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize