dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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