pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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