He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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