My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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