god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
