i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
