Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
