My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
