I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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