Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
