i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
