this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
