Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
