I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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