i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
