i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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