my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
