when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
my god I love twenty year old dicks
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize