I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
