I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
