tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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