She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
40s are totally the cure
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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