It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
