Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
