The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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