My friends, they love my intelligence
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
