my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
