it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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