I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The Olympian is in my bed
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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