do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
