she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
