a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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