I wannas sexs uuuuu
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
