then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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