I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
