I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
