My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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