At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
