Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
