remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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