My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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