mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
