Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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