so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
